The newest edition of “Princeton Review Best 366 Colleges” hits shelves today, and guess who’s taking a few unsolicited shots at the University of Massachusetts? That’s right, a bunch of asshole nobodies in New York (yep, that’s where Princeton Review is. It’s in New York. Not Princeton, New Jersey. It’s in New frigging York). In recent years a point of amusement in Amherst was that UMass was annually climbing the party school rankings, up to #9 in 2006 and #7 going into 2007. This year, however, Princeton Review has dropped UMass from that list, and instead has stuck us on a few less glamorous ones. Let’s take a look:
Long Lines and Red Tape: #17. This is one that I cannot really argue with. The lines at Whitmore for financial aid in September are about a mile long, and signing up for classes on Spire, though it has improved, can definitely make the blood pressure shoot up. Having dickheads like Michael Gargano running the campus doesn’t help too much either.
Their Students (Almost) Never Study: #5. Thanks, guys. So basically all those kids I see in the library with Red Bulls at 2:30 am on a Wednesday during midterms aren’t studying, they just feel like abusing their bodies. You’re right. We don’t even know how to read. Eat me.
Campus is Tiny, Unsightly, or Both: #12. There is a problem on the UMass campus with a lack of continuity between the buildings, meaning some have a very classic New England feel to them, and some are modern or even space-aged chic. That being said, the UMass campus is NOT unsightly at all.
Least Happy Students: #20. Right, we have the least happy students in the country. Go out to the campus pond on a sunny Friday afternoon and you won’t see 500 kids out there having the time of their lives. Really, we sit inside all day and cut ourselves. We lock ourselves in the bathroom, listen to emo music and cry because our school makes us so damn sad. Seriously, it’s depressing isn’t it?
I understand that with these sorts of things, someone is always going to be upset, but let’s get real. UMass is respected worldwide (#96 in US News, #45 in London Times, #102 in Shanghai Jiao Tong University’s global rankings, #53 in University Metrics’ G-Factor Rankings, #99 in Newsweek’s Top 100 Global Universities, and #124 in the QS World University Rankings). The Princeton Review is making it sound like it rests somewhere between a sewer and a maximum security penitentiary (although, in terms of state budget that’s pretty accurate). The point is that UMass Amherst has happy students who actually do study and enjoy the campus. Someone needs to back the school up, and it isn’t going to be Jack Wilson, so it might as well be me.
Also, in terms of credibility, Whitman College has the happiest students and Holy Cross is among the country’s most studious schools. Hey, Princeton Review, go swim in a pool of gasoline and then play with matches.
Perhaps a less angry tirade when I settle down later.